Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Inspiration, Mormon Style- by Insana-D

I posted this to my journal before I figured out how to post here. So here it is again but this time ready for everyone to view and discuss. Please share your own experiences with "Mormon Inspiration". I'd like to know about your callings, the so called confirmation regarding who you married, etc.. In my limited experience inspiration is fairly arbitrary and has been behind some really foolish life choices or daliances. My ex claimed divine inspiration when he decided to join Amway. God is a flucking joker if he insipres someone to join an MLM or shave their moustache so they can be eligible for male leadership in the church.

Here's Inspiration, Mormon Style

The Mormon God clearly has a wicked sense of humor because he's been behind some of the most odd pairings and mismatched marriages.

Say some young buck comes home from his mission all hot and horny and ready to do his duty and start propagating. He sees a hotty in his BYU institute class and sure enough, she bats an eye his way. He goes to the temple and while meditating needily in the Celestial room he gets the inspiration that She is to be his celestial companion. Wooo Wheeee!

That would be fabulous, except that God forgot to tell her the same message and like some Shakespearean comedy the silly minions of love fairies are playing some nasty tricks. She is secretly, madly, head over heels in love with her Professor, who happens to be married already to his second cousin and together they have nine kids and live in a split level in the flat ugly part of Linden.

The Professor is secretly in love with one of the young beautiful and nice dressing return missionaries, and I'm not talking a sister, but according to God's Plan, it's a forbidden love. Besides he's already married to his second cousin and together they have nine kids and live in a split level in the flat ugly part of Linden.

The first hot horny returned missionary is chasing the young virgin in his institute class, she's chasing her Art History professor, and he's wishing he could chase the boy in the Abercrombie and Fitch t-shirt that paints the most fabulous hibiscus pictures. Instead, every night he bows his head, shuffles home in his Pinto to his second cousin wife with the nine kids who live in a split level in the flat ugly part of Linden.

The guy in the t-shirt is in love with the horny missionary whose in love with the virgin whose in love with the Art History teacher whose in love with the guy in the t-shirt, and around it goes. The second cousin wife with the nine kids is in love with scrap booking since she's long given up any hope of getting her husband interested in anything more exciting than procreative sex, which they already did nine times and she's about worn out, so she buys fancy scissors and glues stuff, all day, every day.

Now if God really wanted to give some divine inspiration, he'd have told the art history teacher to avoid the shock therapy that BYU instigated in the 1970's and 80's and just follow his heart rather than acquiesce to marrying his frumpy but sweet second cousin.

He'd convince the return missionary that with a little creative effort he could release the demons of horny neediness and not be in such a big dang hurry to get married to the first thing he set eyes on.

He'd inspire the lovely young virgin to exercise her options a bit and play the field till she was totally ready to settle down and find the perfect man who could devote his whole life to her and their dreams, instead of lusting after the married teacher who has nine kids and lives in a split level in the flat ugly part of Linden and drives a Pinto because BYU wages are just so paltry and nine kids are a lot to provide for, especially when your second cousin wife is spending every last dime on crappy scrap booking stuff.

He'd send some sort of message to the beautiful stud that paints hibiscus to pursue his art dreams in a more progressive town like Sedona, where he could wear pink shirts without having to conceal his fruitiness and eccentricities.

Nope, that God, he's a joker. He lets the return missionary think he got a revelation, the virgin believes that if she is just a little more attentive she'll sway the Art History teacher from his wife and nine kids, and the Art Teacher just weeps in his closet for the loss of all that he ever really was inside. The second cousin keeps cutting out little thingy’s and gluing because she's blissfully happy making nine layer photo frame pages while her kids stew in their diapers and beg for some real attention.

I don't know where I was going with this. Hopefully not to the flat ugly part of Linden to a split level while riding in a Pinto. Hey, maybe I'll head to Sedona and see if I can make a deal with that hot artist who paints hibiscus.


( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:13 pm (UTC)
Ummm. This reminds me. Does anyone want to help me get started with digital scrapbooking?
Jan. 3rd, 2011 06:42 pm (UTC)
I don't know much about digital scrapbooking ...
But from the sites I've seen it is fricking amazing!! I don't really get into photo scrapbooking much but I'm a huge fan of papercraft and all the amazing things that are on the market to make my art and craft projects more interesting. There's several digital sites where you can buy kits and templates but the actual cost of online design classes is really really steep. I think good photoshop skills are imperative. I've got Photoshop for dummies but I haven't worked my way through it yet. It does look like a wonderful way to piss away a lot of time.
Jan. 3rd, 2011 07:37 pm (UTC)
I use MyPublisher. It's really really easy to use. I know there's more complicated programs out there, but I haven't touched them yet...


They frequently have deals close to holidays too. And I can vouch for the quality. I've purchased 2 different ones from them and they're really nice.
Jan. 3rd, 2011 07:14 pm (UTC)
Ahh...that pesky "inspiration". If God gave real inspiration (or if I had just listened better), I wouldn't have married that horny already-married-once-and-divorced-with-two-little-kids returned missionary who was just looking for a built-in babysitter because his first wife couldn't take his shenanigans and left him AND the children. I would have followed my dreams (whatever those were) and gone places and been somebody. Sorry, took the bitter pill this morning along with my multivitamin ;)
Jan. 3rd, 2011 07:40 pm (UTC)
If God gave inspiration I wouldn't have:

--joined the Mormon church
--married my DH
--and a plethora of other things...

"Inspiration" is just a way to get what YOU want by saying God wants it. With the added bonus of having way more authority and absolving you of any responsibility. (Btw, not talking to a specific "you" here!)
Jan. 3rd, 2011 07:42 pm (UTC)
The second cousin wife TOTALLY reminds me of Nicki from Big Love.

Big Love
Jan. 3rd, 2011 07:58 pm (UTC)
This is tragically amusing... : )
Jan. 3rd, 2011 08:58 pm (UTC)
OMG this made my head spin.... lol. Sort of like sitting back looking at all my old mormon friends.

As far as Adobe Photoshop - I have CS4, and have taken a class twice now and LOVE it!!! Do it Dana, you won't regret it.

Lfaire: how do you get those fun moving pics in your posts. You are just showing off now, and well, I wanna know!!! lol I freakin' LOVE Nicki.

Back to the subject (sort of): So many of my friends talk about old boyfriends and "what if"... it's really sad. Even my xMIL talks about the guy she was going to marry. She's freakin' ancient and still talks about her teen puppy love. WTF???
Jan. 4th, 2011 12:08 am (UTC)
It was a metaphor ladies. Meant to entertain and hopefully make you smirk or at least mildly chortle. I think it's probably too depressing, especially the poor art history teacher part. I made the whole thing up based on my own art history teacher whom I had a mad crush on but he was married to a frumpy shrill woman and they had a passel of kids and he drove a beat up Pinto. Also, the part about the horny missionary, I made that up but it's totally believable. The gay artist, made up, but very plausable...especially the pink shirt part and Abercrombie and Fitch because all men who shop there are gay. It's a fact. Look it up.
Jan. 4th, 2011 12:31 am (UTC)
LOL. I looked it up and just like the rainbow, the gays have taken A&F. :-)

I'm loving it all!
Jan. 4th, 2011 12:51 am (UTC)
Ollie, I uploaded a TON of gifs to a photobucket.com album recently and when you're there you can just click on particular link sections (it has a direct link, HTML link, etc, etc) and then paste it into comments and the gif shows up. :) I have a bit of a gif addiction...
Jan. 4th, 2011 12:57 am (UTC)
Re: Gifs
ah ha! Ok, I see. Sweet!
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )